A tattooed couple lying on the floor, she rests her head on his lap while reading a book. He's on his phone
Illustration by Marta Pucci

Do I have to be sexual?

Photo of Dr Katherine Hertlein
Reviewed by Dr Katherine Hertlein,
created by Blueheart
created by Josh Green
created by Sophie Browness
Photo of Dr Katherine Hertlein
Reviewed by Dr Laura Vowels,
created by Blueheart
created by Josh Green
created by Sophie Browness

No! You may feel under pressure to be sexual by society, partners, TV, the Internet, friends, and even family. But you don’t have to give into that pressure. It’s assumed that everybody has a sexual side and that’s not necessarily true. 1% of the population is asexual, meaning somebody who has no sexual feelings towards themselves or others. 

But the other 99% are not sexual 24/7. Imagine society if they were! So don’t expect that of yourself. 

The reason there is no recommended prescribed ‘amount’ of sex anyone should have is that you can’t expect to feel the same at the same time each week, month or year of your life.

Maybe the weekends are when you might connect with your partner most, but it doesn’t guarantee that at 9am sharp every Sunday you’ll be ready to go. Maybe you want croissants that morning or the extra sleep, or just anything else. 

Most people are not regularly sexual throughout their lives and ‘not being sexual’ for a time does not only happen in response to problems (e.g. stress,) it can be deliberate. Some choose an intentional refocus away from sex to prioritise other aspects of life. Others can fall into this situation without noticing, and find that looking after their children, their job or other things have taken over the time and energy that used to be there for sexual experiences. 

The question is, do you want to be sexual? Nobody has to. 

Imagine if you and your partner made a decision to have pizza twice a week for the rest of your life. A big decision that is probably not too far off most of our wildest dreams. So you decide this because you both like pizza – it makes you happy – and you think it’ll be a good thing to do, to keep your relationship happy. 

Now, the first few weeks, sure, that pizza is going to be delicious, exciting, you can mix it up, try different things. But eventually that twice a week ritual is going to become a chore, and one person may be in the mood for it while the other not so much. One person might need twice as much pizza, while the other stays full for a much longer time. 

And this made up goal you both set yourselves doesn’t actually fit in with your needs, wants, or changing bodies, emotions and lifestyles. 

“Help! You’re right! My sex pizza IS a chore!”

If it’s bothering you, making you unhappy or ruining your relationship then that’s what Blueheart is for. So you’re in the right place. Your Blueheart plan can help you regain control of your body, thoughts and connection skills, and reframe and refresh sex for you and your partner so you can create more pleasurable sexual experiences. 

“I don’t think it was ever for me.”

If you are totally fine about it, you feel it’s causing no emotional or relationship issues, and you don’t feel like you want to change it in any way, maybe you’re in the 1% of the population who are asexual, and that’s fine too! Your next step here could be exploring this further, maybe by learning about asexual people and how they see themselves, or with something like talk therapy, where you focus more on your own experience of it. Remember, some people just don’t like pizza, but have happy lives enjoying so many other things. We’re all different! 

If you’re looking for a solution for not feeling as sexual as you’d like to be, Blueheart is here for you and your partner. Just make sure you’re doing it for you. No one else.

If you want to, and feel ready to get back in touch with sex, check out how with the Blueheart app here.

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