It doesn’t matter how many years you’ve been together, there are bound to be things you don’t know about your sexual partner. Things you’ve just never gotten around to talking about.
What about if one evening you just took time to have a chat? To ask one another some questions? No judgement allowed, just curiosity! And nothing is off the table. Give yourselves permission to start slow and you’ll find an emotional intimacy growing as you get confident with the trickier topics.
What's more, you might just learn something you never knew.
So put the phones on silent, turn off the TV, pour a couple of glasses of wine and make sure there's plenty of eye contact. This is the time to give each other your full attention.
Of course, for some people, talking to their partner about sex, answering 'dirty questions' and offering up opinions is way outside their comfort zone. They might worry about being judged for what we think, or being laughed at. That doesn't mean this kind of sex questions session won't work at all, it may just need to be handled with care.
If you feel your partner might struggle, reassure them. Let them know that you’re there to support them, and that you’ll be sharing as much about you as they will about them. Make sure it's fun and light hearted from the outset. And recognize that plunging in at the deep end and asking about a favourite sexual experience or dirtiest fantasy might be too much. Be sure to start slowly with a few non-contentious topics. Allow yourself to be vulnerable to help them relax into the idea.
We’ve come up with a list of topics to help ease you in. From non-sex-related ice breakers to more explicit questions once you’re in the flow.
Ultimately, though, you both have to be comfortable with the conversations and wherever they lead. If you feel your partner is not enjoying these flirty questions, it may be time to stop and try something else.
Start slowly, keeping the questions less personal:
Talk about your three items and why, try to avoid anything that will push the conversation immediately into the realms of sexual fantasy. You might find your partner's answers spark a few interesting conversations.
X-ray vision? Super speed? Healing powers? You’ll get a pretty good insight into the psyche of your sexual sidekick and might even get a few good ideas to incorporate into your sex life down the line (though still best not to mention that at this point!)
The huge house? The fast car? The dream vacation? Are your dreams in sync? Or would you be arguing over how to spend your newfound wealth? These things are worth knowing... you know, just in case...
Let your imagination run wild. It doesn't have to even be possible. Open-ended questions like this are a great way to get the creative juices flowing about a subject that involves the two of you but doesn't necessarily have to be sexual.
Test the waters on a subject that is instantly more personal, being aware it could feel challenging to a more nervous partner. You start. Tell them about your favorite part of their body and why. You might pick a physical feature or you could mix it up with something about their personality, too. And if you think they're comfortable with the idea, depending on which part you've opted for, try stroking it lightly as you talk. Don't feel offended if your partner is less forthcoming with details about their chosen parts. Accept that this is all part of the warm-up and getting them to begin opening up without judgement is the goal. A negative reaction to what they're saying at this point really could have them running for the hills.
Once you feel you're both starting to relax, things can begin to get a little more personal:
Do you remember the episode of Friends where Ross divulges that he and Rachel have a list of celebrities they’re allowed to sleep with should the opportunity arise? Who would you put on yours? This is a fun question to get sex into the conversation without the pressure. But make sure you react openly and graciously to whoever your partner chooses. This is a great opportunity to prove to them that you will remain completely non-judgmental with everything they choose to share.
From the ruggedness of Daniel Craig's James Bond to the sexual tension of When Harry Met Sally, this doesn't have to turn into a discussion about erotic films - although if you end up discussing a particularly sexy scene, that's no bad thing. This is simply designed to help you open up about the kind of films you might enjoy together on a date night in the future.
Yes, this is a question about sex, but it's an objective one, so potentially easier to answer. For some people, it’s all about the evening, whereas others wake up with a huge hard on. Are you operating on the same schedule?
Is it purely about physical pleasure or do you seek a deeper connection. Only by understanding what your lover wants from their sexual relationship can you make sure you’re giving them what they need.
Questions with a clear choice can work brilliantly to open up the conversation. You can pick whichever options you think are the most appropriate, but by providing a choice you’ll make answering sexy questions easier for an anxious partner.
Whether your partner likes to feel a closeness and connection, or needs fun and laughter in the bedroom, this will give you a great idea of what they like best. Plus it's an opportunity to explore their thoughts and feelings a little more – how would you respond if your partner says they need the lights out to feel more comfortable?
Don't be in a rush to move onto the dirty questions, but when you're both ready:
Adding a few quick-fire questions into the mix can get your partner answering without over-thinking. And who knows, you might be surprised at one another's responses. And what's more, you might discover a new favorite position to try later.
Is it a get it over as quick as you can and get to the main event type of thing? Or yes please, that’s the best bit. This is a great opener to talk to your partner about why they feel the way they feel and whether there’s anything, in particular, they might like to try.
This might be a tricky question with a nervous partner who is struggling to open up. So tread carefully and if you feel they may not be open to taking the question and answer thing this far, maybe save this one for further down the line.
If you get on OK with the previous question, try taking it a step further by sharing your sexual fantasies. While this might feel like a big step, with the right approach it really can pave the way for greater emotional intimacy and an overall deeper connection with your partner.
That said, don’t try anything that you or your partner are not comfortable with.
If you've got this far, we commend you. If your partner is not the type of person to feel naturally comfortable in this scenario, it's a testament to your relationship and the trust you're obviously building.
There are plenty of ways you can extend the sexy questions game and take things a step further:
If you need help or support to open up the lines of communication to re-establish a more healthy relationship with your partner, consider speaking to a sex therapist. They will be able to help you work through your beliefs about relationships and move forwards in a better pattern. The Blueheart app provides communication exercises to do with your partner as well. If you feel ready, give it a go. Take the assessment and start your free trial.