Asian couple in bed looking at each other like they're in love and hugging.
Illustration by Marta Pucci

Sex Questions to ask your partner, how to get to know them better?

Photo of Dr Katherine Hertlein
Reviewed by Dr Katherine Hertlein,
created by Blueheart
created by Josh Green
created by Sophie Browness
Date published:
12/7/2021
Last updated:
12/13/2021
Photo of Dr Katherine Hertlein
Reviewed by Dr Laura Vowels,
created by Blueheart
created by Josh Green
created by Sophie Browness
Date published:
12/7/2021
Last updated:
12/13/2021

It doesn’t matter how many years you’ve been together, there are bound to be things you don’t know about your sexual partner. Things you’ve just never gotten around to talking about.

What about if one evening you just took time to have a chat? To ask one another some questions? No judgement allowed, just curiosity! And nothing is off the table. Give yourselves permission to start slow and you’ll find an emotional intimacy growing as you get confident with the trickier topics. 

What's more, you might just learn something you never knew.

So put the phones on silent, turn off the TV, pour a couple of glasses of wine and make sure there's plenty of eye contact. This is the time to give each other your full attention.

Partner feeling anxious? Here’s how to get started

Of course, for some people, talking to their partner about sex, answering 'dirty questions' and offering up opinions is way outside their comfort zone. They might worry about being judged for what we think, or being laughed at. That doesn't mean this kind of sex questions session won't work at all, it may just need to be handled with care. 

If you feel your partner might struggle, reassure them. Let them know that you’re there to support them, and that you’ll be sharing as much about you as they will about them. Make sure it's fun and light hearted from the outset. And recognize that plunging in at the deep end and asking about a favourite sexual experience or dirtiest fantasy might be too much. Be sure to start slowly with a few non-contentious topics. Allow yourself to be vulnerable to help them relax into the idea.

We’ve come up with a list of topics to help ease you in. From non-sex-related ice breakers to more explicit questions once you’re in the flow. 

Ultimately, though, you both have to be comfortable with the conversations and wherever they lead. If you feel your partner is not enjoying these flirty questions, it may be time to stop and try something else.

Ice breakers to use as a fun conversation starter

Start slowly, keeping the questions less personal:

 

  • What 3 things would you bring to a desert island?

Talk about your three items and why, try to avoid anything that will push the conversation immediately into the realms of sexual fantasy. You might find your partner's answers spark a few interesting conversations. 

  • If you could choose one superpower, what would it be?

X-ray vision? Super speed?  Healing powers? You’ll get a pretty good insight into the psyche of your sexual sidekick and might even get a few good ideas to incorporate into your sex life down the line (though still best not to mention that at this point!)

  • If you won the lottery tomorrow, what would you spend it on?

The huge house? The fast car? The dream vacation?  Are your dreams in sync?  Or would you be arguing over how to spend your newfound wealth? These things are worth knowing... you know, just in case...

  • Leading on from the previous question. If money were no object, what would your ultimate date night be?

Let your imagination run wild. It doesn't have to even be possible. Open-ended questions like this are a great way to get the creative juices flowing about a subject that involves the two of you but doesn't necessarily have to be sexual.

  • What are your 3 favorite parts of my body?

Test the waters on a subject that is instantly more personal, being aware it could feel challenging to a more nervous partner. You start. Tell them about your favorite part of their body and why. You might pick a physical feature or you could mix it up with something about their personality, too. And if you think they're comfortable with the idea, depending on which part you've opted for, try stroking it lightly as you talk. Don't feel offended if your partner is less forthcoming with details about their chosen parts. Accept that this is all part of the warm-up and getting them to begin opening up without judgement is the goal. A negative reaction to what they're saying at this point really could have them running for the hills. 

Exploring just below the surface

Once you feel you're both starting to relax, things can begin to get a little more personal:

  • Who would you put on your ‘freebie list’?

Do you remember the episode of Friends where Ross divulges that he and Rachel have a list of celebrities they’re allowed to sleep with should the opportunity arise? Who would you put on yours? This is a fun question to get sex into the conversation without the pressure. But make sure you react openly and graciously to whoever your partner chooses. This is a great opportunity to prove to them that you will remain completely non-judgmental with everything they choose to share. 

  • Which film makes you get hot under the collar?

From the ruggedness of Daniel Craig's James Bond to the sexual tension of When Harry Met Sally, this doesn't have to turn into a discussion about erotic films - although if you end up discussing a particularly sexy scene, that's no bad thing. This is simply designed to help you open up about the kind of films you might enjoy together on a date night in the future.

  • When is the best time to have sex?

Yes, this is a question about sex, but it's an objective one, so potentially easier to answer. For some people, it’s all about the evening, whereas others wake up with a huge hard on. Are you operating on the same schedule?

  • What does sex mean to you?

Is it purely about physical pleasure or do you seek a deeper connection. Only by understanding what your lover wants from their sexual relationship can you make sure you’re giving them what they need.

  • Which is more likely to get you in the mood for sex? The right music or a shared bubble bath with candles?

Questions with a clear choice can work brilliantly to open up the conversation. You can pick whichever options you think are the most appropriate, but by providing a choice you’ll make answering sexy questions easier for an anxious partner.

  • What do you need during sex for you to enjoy it?

Whether your partner likes to feel a closeness and connection, or needs fun and laughter in the bedroom, this will give you a great idea of what they like best. Plus it's an opportunity to explore their thoughts and feelings a little more – how would you respond if your partner says they need the lights out to feel more comfortable?

Diving deeper

Don't be in a rush to move onto the dirty questions, but when you're both ready:

  • Favorite sex position?
  • Have you ever had a one-night stand? 

Adding a few quick-fire questions into the mix can get your partner answering without over-thinking. And who knows, you might be surprised at one another's responses. And what's more, you might discover a new favorite position to try later.

Is it a get it over as quick as you can and get to the main event type of thing? Or yes please, that’s the best bit. This is a great opener to talk to your partner about why they feel the way they feel and whether there’s anything, in particular, they might like to try.

  • What can we do differently for you to enjoy the sex we’re having even more?

This might be a tricky question with a nervous partner who is struggling to open up. So tread carefully and if you feel they may not be open to taking the question and answer thing this far, maybe save this one for further down the line.

  • Tell me a fantasy you have or a dirty dream?

If you get on OK with the previous question, try taking it a step further by sharing your sexual fantasies. While this might feel like a big step, with the right approach it really can pave the way for greater emotional intimacy and an overall deeper connection with your partner.

That said, don’t try anything that you or your partner are not comfortable with.

Discovering a new world

If you've got this far, we commend you. If your partner is not the type of person to feel naturally comfortable in this scenario, it's a testament to your relationship and the trust you're obviously building. 

There are plenty of ways you can extend the sexy questions game and take things a step further:

  • Look online for lists of different sexual activities that you can both say 'yes' or 'no' to. You could even turn it into a game with game show style 'yes' / 'no' paddles to help you make your 'vote'.
  • The Salsa Card deck from the Gottman Institute is a great way to begin to talk more about what you would or would not like to try. They can help you find comfortable ways to talk about sex and even come in different versions, mild for more romantic suggestions, through to hot to help you explore spicier sexual fantasies. We would always recommend doing them by yourself first and then sharing with a partner.

If you need help or support to open up the lines of communication to re-establish a more healthy relationship with your partner, consider speaking to a sex therapist. They will be able to help you work through your beliefs about relationships and move forwards in a better pattern. The Blueheart app provides communication exercises to do with your partner as well. If you feel ready, give it a go. Take the assessment and start your free trial.

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