It shouldn’t surprise you when we say that society in general is pretty ‘anti-sex’. We’re brought up with sex being hushed up, and are led to believe that what goes on in the bedroom is ‘naughty’ or somehow sordid. This often leads to the belief that we shouldn’t be indulging in anything out of the ordinary, much less talking about it. Perhaps that’s why so many people find it difficult to talk to their partner about sex.
We’re here to reassure you that fantasizing about sex, either with your partner or with someone else, is completely normal. Healthy even. And if you can overcome your anxieties about discussing it, fantasies can even be of benefit to your real-life sexual relationship. So if you’re in a long-term relationship, if bedroom boredom is setting in, sharing fantasies might be the perfect way to spice up your sex life.
Maybe you lust after sex in the shallows of a turquoise lagoon, or you relish the risk of interruption in a corner of a busy park. No matter if it’s about romantic role play or reliving a scene from a favorite erotic movie. Your sexual fantasies will be highly individual to you. After all, something that’s a turn on for one person could well elicit a distinct “no, thank you” from someone else.
So is it worth the risk of opening up about these types of fantasies? What if your partner doesn’t share them?
While it’s great when you share a long-held fantasy and your partner tells you it turns them on too, that’s not necessarily what it’s about.
Sharing thoughts, feelings and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable in front of our partner is a wonderful thing. Through trusting our partner with our innermost thoughts - even those we may have never said aloud - we can truly build an emotional connection and intimacy that will benefit our entire relationship.
And it doesn’t have to be a complex or dark fantasy. You might simply want your partner to give you a sensual massage with body oil, or fancy playing with chocolate body paint as part of foreplay one day.
So many people are brought up to believe that sexual fantasies or fetishes are taboo, embarrassing or weird. We’re often taught that you shouldn’t even think about them let alone share them. And that can leave us feeling pretty vulnerable when it comes to admitting our innermost desires to a partner. No matter how long we’ve been together.
We'd shout it from the rooftops if we could: You. Are. Not. Weird.
Sexual fantasies are a natural and normal part of life and, when shared, can help to further deepen the intimate bond in your relationship.
There is one caveat. Sometimes sexual fantasies are hard to share not so much because of general embarrassment but because the content might genuinely cause a problem.
For example if you’re having fantasies about a real life person that both you and your partner know, sharing this could make those relationships more difficult.
Again, it’s not that these fantasies are wrong - it’s just your brain putting random pieces of information together - but do think about the consequences of sharing in this case.
Of course it’s likely that one of you feels more comfortable about this stuff than the other. And it’s important no one feels rushed or under pressure. Take it gently and open up the lines of communication, perhaps using a few gentler sex questions to set the tone. Most importantly, make sure you’re both relaxed, you’ve got the time, and that you’re not going to be disturbed.
Reassure your partner that just because you’re opening up about a particular sexual fantasy doesn’t mean you expect them to immediately help you enact it. It might be that in some cases simply talking about it is enough, or the idea of incorporating themed dirty talk into your foreplay is what excites you. Make sure that your partner understands you’ll only take things as far as they want to go with it.
If you’re finding it difficult to share your deepest sex fantasies, take a step back and talk positively about sex you’ve had recently or in the past. Discuss the things you enjoyed and what you feel could make it even better. Try to depersonalize the conversation if it feels too intense.
No matter what types of fantasies you’re sharing, remember your partner has a right to feel however they feel about them. Their response might be positive or negative or both. They might have reservations about a certain aspect of what you’re saying, or they might be unclear about what it is you want from them.
Allow your partner to sit with what you’ve said and to respond in their own time. It’s OK if they’re unsure about what they think. And it’s OK if they later change their minds after their initial response.
Particularly for couples who are unused to talking openly about sex and sharing in this way, it can be difficult for one or both partners to adjust to the idea. Gently ask your partner how they feel about what you’ve shared and encourage them to open up to you in a similar way. You might find that by showing your vulnerability you’ll inspire them to do the same.
Sometimes when it comes to having an honest conversation about a particular hot fantasy you’ve been day-dreaming about for a while, insecurity can strike and you simply can’t get the words out.
Have a think about why that is. Is it that you’re fantasizing about someone or something that could hurt your partner or make them feel uncomfortable? Are you worried about the way they will react? Do you feel they might laugh at you or think it’s a stupid idea? Try to work out in your own mind where the blocker is and why you’re not willing to share. Perhaps it’s simply not the right time and you should give yourself permission to keep something back for another time.
If you need an external starting point for the conversation, try watching a film together. Something like Fifty Shades of Grey could open up the conversation about the kinds of sexual fantasies you’re both willing or wanting to explore. As well as, perhaps, those things you wouldn’t feel so comfortable with.
You might find written prompts are useful – maybe a list of questions or topics to talk about. Or perhaps writing down your wishes and desires would make it easier to share them with your partner.
If you feel you need help to explore your thoughts and feelings around sexual fantasies, a sex therapist could absolutely help. Here at Blueheart we have lots of conversation starters to help you talk about these things and we will explicitly address these topics during the course of your plan. Take the assessment and we'll put together a relevant plan for you in the app. There's a free 14-day trial, so you can try it out and see if it works for you. No strings attached.