Couple consisting of two women on the couch with a laptop and a phone planning something
Illustration by Marta Pucci

The Power of Scheduling Sex

Photo of Dr Katherine Hertlein
Reviewed by Dr Katherine Hertlein,
created by Blueheart
created by Josh Green
created by Sophie Browness
Date published:
2/10/2022
Last updated:
5/8/2022
Photo of Dr Katherine Hertlein
Reviewed by Dr Laura Vowels,
created by Blueheart
created by Josh Green
created by Sophie Browness
Date published:
2/10/2022
Last updated:
5/8/2022

TL;DR

 Scheduling sex gets a really bad rap but there are many positives to be found

  • When daily life gets in the way, sex can often fall off the agenda – scheduling adult time can be one way to ensure this doesn’t happen
  • You can be spontaneous in the moment, even if the moment is not spontaneous. It just takes a little creativity
  • Just because you schedule a few sessions in now, in this phase of life, doesn’t mean that’s how it’ll be forever.
  • Sex is part habit. The more you have, the more you’ll want. In fact, you might just find that if you begin to schedule in sex sessions, those spontaneous sessions will begin to happen all on their own.

 

“So….9.30pm Tuesday - when you get back from the gym and I’ve got off the phone with my Mom? We’ll just have to keep our fingers crossed the kids are asleep.”

How does the idea of a sex schedule make you feel?

It’s an interesting question and one that throws up some very different opinions.

For some, the idea of booking in a bonking session can be utterly appalling, while for others it’s all part of the fun.

Of course, diarizing when you’re going to get down and dirty won’t be for everyone, but here’s why we think you shouldn’t write it off.

Myth: Sex has to be spontaneous to be satisfying

One of the reasons sex scheduling get a bad rap is that it just doesn’t sound very… well... sexy. We’re ‘taught’ by mainstream media and movies that we’re supposed to be swept off our feet by our partner when we’re least expecting it. We're taught that a healthy sex life means huge sexual appetites and a desire for sex at almost any moment. This is rarely true. Sexual activity levels ebb and flow, particularly for married couples or those in a long-term relationship.

Interestingly though, it’s often the feeling of emotional connection and physical intimacy that makes a long-term sexual relationship feel satisfying. It’s become about more than animal instinct. And that sexual intimacy can be developed whether the time for sex is scheduled in or not.   

Keeping sex ON the agenda

Life gets busy. Schedules change. Kids demand attention. We overbook ourselves, squeezing every last drop of time out of our days. Pressures come from all sides. We love our long-term partners, but we forget how important it is to make time for them. After all they’ll still be around at the end of the day… won’t they?

Putting sex on the calendar doesn’t have to be unromantic – it can actually be a great way to say ‘You’re important to me and it’s important to set aside this time to be with you'.

And just think. When other couples in the same phase of life realize sex has fallen down their to-do list, you’ll be able to smile smugly. After all, you maintained your nice healthy sex life in spite of the chaos going on around you.

Spontaneous desire vs responsive desire

We often talk about the different types of sexual desire that people experience. For some, sex drive operates like a switch. Zero to horny in 0.6 seconds. For others, it takes a little bit of encouragement. A bit like the difference between cooking in a microwave and an oven. What may appear to be desire differences between partners can actually just be natural differences in the way our bodies respond to the idea of sex.

The point here being that for those who experience responsive desire and take a little time to get turned on, scheduling intimacy or sex can be the perfect way to create adult time, space for intimacy and an opportunity for connection.

Encouraging creativity

Just because sex is scheduled doesn’t mean it has to be boring. You can be spontaneous in the moment, even if the moment is not spontaneous. It may require thinking a little outside the box or getting a bit creative so you don’t get stuck in a rut. But there are plenty of ways you can spice things up. If you’re feeling confident, try experimenting with some different foreplay ideas, asking each other sex questions or talking and sharing your sexual fantasies.

Enjoying the build up

One of the many benefits of scheduling sex is that once it’s in the diary you can start to look forward to it. Start to get excited. Throughout the preceding day, you could send you partner little messages or teasers for what is to come. Or send them photos of what you’ll be slipping into later.

Punctuate their day with surprise ‘sext’s and your scheduled session later will feel anything but.

Tackling issues before they arise

When we have busy schedules and home life is chaotic, it can be easy to let things build up and get in the way. Stress<link to stress blog (01) once published> and anxieties, if left unchecked, can lead to health problems or issues with erectile dysfunction and low libido.

By planning in regular couple time, whether you use it for sex or simply to connect over a coffee, you’ll have the opportunity to recognize and address any brewing issues together.

It doesn’t have to be forever

We’re all guilty of it. We forget that life is dynamic, relationships shift and change and transition. Just because something is happening now doesn’t mean it will happen forever. And just because we make a decision now doesn’t mean we can’t change it in the future.

Scheduling sex doesn’t have to mean intercourse at 10pm every Friday evening until the year 2043. It might just be that during this part of life, this is the best solution for you both.

The more sex you have the more you want

Like many things in life, sex is a habit. If you fall out of the habit, it can be hard to get back into it. But keep a regular slot in your diary, promise yourself to approach each session with an open mind and not only might you find you actually enjoy it, but you’ll mostly likely be hungrier for the next session too.

If you’re lacking inspiration and want to add some structure to your scheduled sex sessions, why not try out the Blueheart app, for touch-based exercises to help build emotional and physical intimacy.

Making time for your relationship when life gets busy can only help pave the way for a healthy sex life in the future. One with more spontaneity if that’s what you both desire.

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